By Helen Cox
In Daniel Barnz’s Manhattan-based reimagining of Beauty and The Beast, Beastly, callow narcissist “Kyle” undergoes an unfortunate transformation that would even make Ron Perlman think twice. Naturally he feels cursed and betrayed but, in beastly terms, he doesn’t know he’s born. At least he can communicate with the object of his affection; vocalize his intentions. Many other movie monsters have had to live on in film history misunderstood and unforgiven.
Having acquired a 2.1. in Psychology from the University of Teesside I feel qualified to educate you on the inner-most thoughts of the big screen’s more reticent beasts.
1. King Kong – The big question with King Kong is: Why the Empire State Building? He’s got the gargoyled romanticism of the Chrysler right there and he chooses a blockhead of a building instead? Simple. He climbed the Empire State Building to get a better view of the Chrysler and to marvel at its unparalleled Art Deco beauty with his girl at his side. He’s nothing more than a misunderstood romantic really. He just didn’t count on the air show.
2. Facehuggers – How would you feel if the moment you tried to get close to someone they instantly pushed you away, rejected you and sometimes even tried to kill you? Wouldn’t you crave a warm body in their place? Anyone who has experienced dating in the 21st Century surely understands their pain and alienation?
3. Giant Octopus – A wrongly-accused beast if ever there was one. Giant Octopus is actually an environmental activist not a terrorist. That’s why he demolishes that oil rig with his tentacles of justice. The ocean has too long paid the price for human greed and he’s been unfrozen by an inexplicable ice-cap accident to put things right.
4. American Werewolf in London – The Central Line is overcrowded and consequently one of the sweatier lines on the Underground. By picking off one or two commutors, espeically briefcase-touting stiffs, the wolf no doubt thought that he was doing London a service. The same goes for Piccadilly Circus – far too many people. You may only judge this creature if you’ve never complained about it on some ill, clammy July afternoon when you’re unable to inhale anything other than the stickiness of ofther people.
5.The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man To quote Pete Venkman himself “He’s a sailor, he’s in New York we get this guy laid we won’t have any trouble.” Despite Stay Puft’s jolly smile many people thought that he was attacking Dana Barrett’s apartment block when he was clearly just happy to be on an island that houses roughly four million women and was trying to get a better vantage point for checking out the Manhattan ladies. More than equipped than your average man to offer up some sugar he was just cruising…in his own monstrous way.
6. Jurassic Park’s Velociraptors Who’d have thought that such a primitive species would be so protective over their kitchen? They find two trespassing little munchkins messing with their spoons and feel forced to attack. The impatient tap of the claw is a clear indication of their annoyance at having their freshly mopped floor dirtied by this pair of, rather unkempt, children. Perhaps Jurassic Park wasn’t so much about the idea that dinosaurs turned into birds but the idea that dinosaurs turned into our mothers. Just a thought.
7. The MGM Lion. He roars with the sighing weariness of a true Hollywood diva. He looks to his right to where a director clearly stands off-screen gushing at him to “give it more feeling dahrling.” Sucked dry by demands and exposure of the industry he no doubt just “wants to be alone.” Resentfully and with a curling lip gives us one more roar. For old time’s sake. Like James Bond he is simply going through the motions, waiting for his new, younger, flashier replacement to come along.